we achieve or should i say i achieve then i fail. i know how it was how i hated it how i swore i would never continue, but i guess we were designed to lie to ourselves to make a very simple solution into a terrible down fall of hate and hurt. knowingly we destroy our bodies, lie to ourselves and yet we can walk away from all the self destruction satisfied, no matter what we can make any situation into an accuse. lists, ideas, thoughts seem to fill my everyday’s with what i want, with what i should, and how it shall all be accomplished. when i am at my weakest all these tribulations are fantastic but in normal state they are meaningless an not worth while. will i be stuck in this continues cycle of going nowhere of only dreaming of what i am capable of? eve the simplest of to do’s are never touched. i am content with who i am with what i have. i have a house with the love of my life,i have a job that pays more then what to offered but yet everyone around me yell that i can do so much more. BETTER BETTER BETTER. if everyone just left everyone alone and only congratulated on what small things each of us posses no one would feel worthless or feeling they can only be better. why cant someone be happy with as litttle as possible why cant they people who dont want to achieve as much be looked at as happy and content and the people that archiving be looked at the same way we make our selfs unhappy.
its ironic isnt it dear that you think or maybe you really are his friend and that you can love someone that has done so much damage to many people including the ones you love and loved. keep posting those pictures keep telling your self that your worthy of love that someone can stand your annoying chatter your self pity and mental destruction. i hope every time you you hear his name speak his name you can remember what he done that he is not a good person but your search for someone to like you and tolerate you for more then a week blinds you. your perfect together, disgusting but perfect. but i know you cant block out what hes done said proven in his action that have revieled who he truly is. you say he an him or just alike well i se no similarites mine is strong, protecter, no lies, actual emotion, hes a man. yours is a coward my dear a worthless life that should have never existed.
well anytime there will be a new post on this thing wil becuase i am back home visting. three four five days ago i moved out, finally, with my spencer. We have our own house, no electricite though, pretty romantic i think.
havent eat anything except a doughnut a night after 12am hahaha but i think i ate so much today i am good for a month.
this whole day i have spent with my adorable daddy-o he made me a sald with chicken, strawberries, grapes, an seseme seed dressing. for a sanck we had a protien bar an dinner a pizza baked to perfection in his ove. dessert i like it cup size from cold stone. this day pretty much riuned my whole being lean for the summa.
and for some reason my boyfriend an i dnt finde it odd to show a random lady we met at 1am my boyfirneds dads house he is renting out which is right next to us. spencer which is unusual, not that he saw a stray dog, but that he went over picked him up and brought the dog in our front yard, soon after he spotted a car with whome had a lady in it looking for a dog. all three of us got to talking which got to us sitting on our front porch smoking cigerates talking for two hours while spencer chimed in while he played his giuter. the old lady i have to say is the most intresting, probably completl crazy women i have ever met. we exchanged numbers an it seems we are growing in to a good friendship with her. the incodenta proves to me that life is so beautiful, that not being afriad allows yourself to meet the most intresting people. after talking to this women we found out spencer had actually sold her a car during the time he was a carsales man last summer. the earth never makes mistakes, there is no random people that have no purpose when they walk into your life.
all this seems like a dream, my life seems humarous and unreal. that night or day i guess proved to me that i am truly content and happy to have nothing. no money no electristy just living in a hlouse with freezing water and candles everywhere to be simple is somthing very rare today, to be content with nothing is a gift and ti wait out your stuggles brings smothing amazing even if it is an intracion with a crazy old lady that calls her self a gypsy night owl who wants to be our mama.
this day has assured me of my thoughts and concerns of religion, frankly any religion but the one i am most tired of is christianity. i grew up in a christian home went to a christian school an associated with other christian folks and i am at a place in my life were i cant or can confirm my statues as to were i belong in this faith, but it doesn’t even concern me. why is it that all these young adults are so worried to as were they are in there faith and afraid they haven’t or wont reach o were they wont to be or havent been able to make sense of what the believe. why spend your whole life on a subject that will never have a finale answer no one in any faith will be were they want to be, achieve to there most holy statues. if it is true we were all born sinners why does it matter we were born into sin and cant break free from the curse, no matter were any body turns you cant escape sin its a never ending pointless goal. growing up in a christian home, a unstable one at that, proves that you will never be a good person or adoring child to your adult figures unless you do everything you are told, walk the faith talk the faith. moving in with my boyfriend has left parents heart broken. and why?! because its wrong, im sharing my living space with a man that is not my husband, well jesus Christ Ive already shared my vagina with him, my secrets, my everything but sense no one else know are can visibly see its okay. keep it hush hush and its okay wrong but not big enough to freak out about. okay so my boyfriend gets his on place i will definitely be staying the night at his place frequently and being over there often and my parents will obviously know that when im saying im spending the night at a friends house ill be with my boyfriend, no ask don’t tell policy. but actually taking a very big commitment and being truth full and moving in is so horribly wrong, what will the “family think!” it seems a little hypocritical.. hmm. and of course they say why don’t you do the right thing and get married, well isn’t that just the wrong thing? moving in with each other and getting married are two completely different things. marriage is a giant step an end to a relationship a beginning to something bigger. and getting married just so i can move in with my boyfriend seems like everything you shouldnt do esp being a Jesus follower, it doesnt make it better, getting married just so u can have sex this is want the church wants this is why marriages fail. people are so afirad of being condemed by christian followers they make these big descions that end in failure. it seems that as long as it looks good its okay even though on the inside it is hurting and dangerous. humans are humans and trial and error is what makes us grow and become who we are. i am done in living in fear of my parents of this religion i want to live and be able to fail be able to prove that its okay millions of people move in with each other and sometimes just like everything else it can be a test of if your relationship is actually working or maybe ur not supposedto be together. breaking up is hard enough and painful i just cannot imagine how divorcing someone must be like. im free from make sure it looks good and ignore the damage of the reality.
i smoke cigarettes, sooo, i smoke more then one in one sitting right after the other.
i hate when you smoke with someone and you pull out another cigarette after you just smoked and they say WOAH chain smoker.. like okay thanks for pointing out i smoke you dumb dumb.
in other news! i cant wait until i put in my two weeks in shogun. im so sick of working my ass off and there is no realization that hay, i probably am a asset to your filthy, no business restaurant. but who cares im tired of trying to voice my concerns to the upper management and being shut down. im also tired of nick. yes i said your name NICK NICK! im sry you weren’t doing your job, treating you employees like shit, being unfair, fucking an underage girl you could and being creepy to the girls an be sexest to how you assigned sections. so yes nick the truth would come out and yes you would have to reap your consequences. and why was i surprised you would take it out on you know who. so goodbye shogun i love you my fellow employees the only reason it is wonderful to work there, i only hope for the best and of course will keep in touch with alot of you but i jus can wait to say ba bye. soon soon :]
so today marked, for me, the first day of summer. whens it cold i want it desoeratly to be warm, when its warm i wish for a cold breeze. it was so freakin humid an hot, i now need to turn the air conditioning on in my car, the stiring wheel burns my hands, i want to basicaly shave my head, make up seems pointless, i wish naked could be an optoin. summer means bathing siut wich means being halfway naked which means i gotta get in shape.
starting tmrw NO sodas, NO meats, NO candy, NO energy drinks. starting tmrw ONLY water, ONLY vegitarian, ONLY vitamins. i need to start getting prepared for summer so i NEED to get my hair color redone, i NEED to get a tan, i NEED some summer clothes.
oh yes! at the end of this month spencer an i will have our own place rent will only be one hundred each. im so excited to decrate!
cigs and apples go together like bread and pesto, peanut butter an jelly, strawberries an chocolate, popcorn and sour patch kids, waffles and butter, oreos an peanut butter, honey an tea, grilled cheese an tomato soup,
fuck shogun, not the employees. fuck favorites, fuck working my ass off for nothing, fuck being told i have to fight for my shifts because someone is better then me, fuck working 80 hrs two weeks ten shift a week and me not being an asset to your fucking restaurant, fuck you for not being able to do your job as a manager and thinking you can tell me how to do mine, fuck working five hours making 30 bucks, fuck no appreciation for anything, no good job, fuck special treatment, fuck working in a fucking disgusting health code breaking dump, fuck the sushi chief and ur dumb energy drink, fuck no one caring, listening or resolving. fuck.
phew.. next day off im seriously looking for another job, im sick of being over worked, unappreciated, and poor. i refuse to no longer work as much and hard as i do with no respect and no money its a waste of my time and patience.
everything is looking down. but im having the best time with the past couple of days. work blows giant whale hole, getting shit for tips sense the restaurant has been dead and only having old confused people as visitors.
"heres a nickle for your tips sweetie.. oh fuck it take two nickles." joking with katie about the old crowed shogun has seen lately makes it much betta.
i really dislike being poor at the moment, it especially sucks when you actually need money. i suppose its about that time to get a new slash second job.
Tomorrow is a new beginning. a new future. If this new chapter of our life had different levels of experience our life would be set on hard. We have already taken the easy way, on our own stupidity went to the next level of medium to were we have landed ourselves to hard. I’m excited, nervous and already overwhelmed, both of us i should say. I only wish there was a fast forward button, because we all know rewind is never an option. This isn’t even day one! But i gotta stay positive, just thinking about all that money ill be saving. Going to get me some gauges, blah blah basically everything of course first priority is a home or i mean apartment wooo!
The article in the newspaper was tiny, considering the crime. It told of a six-year-old girl who had lured a local toddler from his yard, taken him to a nearby woodland, tied him to a tree and set fir to him. The boy, badly burned, was in hospital. All that was said in what amounted to no more than a space filler below the comic strips on page six. I read it and, repulsed, I turned the page and went on.
Six weeks later, Ed, the special education director, phoned me. It was early January, the day we were returning from our Christmas break, “There’s going to be a new girl in your class. Remember that girl who set fire to the kid in November…?”
I don’t like you But I love you Seems that I’m always Thinking of you Oh, oh, oh, You treat me badly I love you madly You’ve really got a hold on me (You really got a hold on me) You really got a hold on me (You really got a hold on me)
Baby, I don’t want you But I need you Don’t want to kiss you But I need to Oh, oh, oh You do me wrong now My love is strong now You’ve really got a hold on me (You really got a hold on me) You really got a hold on me (You really got a hold on me)
Baby, I love you and all I want you to do Is just hold me (please), hold me (squeeze), hold me, hold me
I want to leave you Don’t want to stay here Don’t want to spend Another day here Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh You do me wrong now My love is strong now You’ve really got a hold on me (You really got a hold on me) You really got a hold on me (You really got a hold on me)
I love you and all I want you to do Is just hold me, hold me, hold me, hold me
Hold me Hold me Hold me Hold me Hold me Hold me Hold me Hold me Hold me Hold me Hold me